3 Ways Flexibility Makes Your Marriage Last

Flexibility has always sort of been our thing. No, we didn’t come up with the concept, of course, but it’s one of the unique components of the Prepare/Enrich assessment. Part of the foundational research it’s built on comes in the form of the Couple and Family Maps. (If you’ve taken the assessment, you might be familiar with them!) We won’t get too into the details, but here’s the gist: the maps graph the levels of connection and flexibility in a couple’s relationship or the family they grew up in. The levels can be too high (chaotic), too low (rigid), midrange, or balanced. Research has shown that when flexibility is balanced, relationships are healthier and more resilient – and ultimately more likely to last. Here are three big reasons why:

Flexibility helps you compromise.

When one or both of you adopt an “it’s my way or the highway” attitude and are unwilling to budge on anything, compromise is going to be hard to achieve. And that’s going to make conflicts, especially the ongoing ones – pretty hard on your relationship. However, flexibility means you’re able to adjust your expectations, wants, and even your needs to accommodate your partner and do what’s best for your relationship, instead of focusing solely on getting things your way. And it’s not just the big disagreements that benefit from meeting in the middle. There are lots of smaller decisions you make together every day that require you to bend and accept each other’s influence. In fact, research has shown that the ability to compromise and make these decisions jointly is a key factor in whether your marriage will last. So don’t discount it when you let your spouse sway your opinion on what style of light fixture to put in the dining room or when you give in to watching that movie you’re not that interested in. What might feel like “giving in” is actually flexibility that sustains your marriage.

Flexibility means adjusting to things beyond your control.



Every day has the potential to bring new, unpredictable challenges – from the minor inconveniences to a life-altering crisis. Are you able to roll with the punches or does it send your whole day into a tailspin? Flexibility allows you to take things in stride instead of wasting energy on things you have no control over. Surprisingly, this type adaptability actually lends to increased happiness – and that means good things for your marriage. That might seem like an oversimplified conclusion, but here’s an example. Imagine you plan a big birthday party for your spouse, only to have storms roll in and prevent many of the guests from making it, including the caterer. How you handle these unforeseen events? You could go the inflexible route – there’s no backup plan, everything is ruined, why even try to salvage it? You take your frustration out on everyone who tries to make the best of the situation, including your spouse. Or you can adapt – you can still celebrate albeit with fewer people, and the smaller headcount makes ordering pizza an easy choice. You still have a great time, and the turn of events made it all the more memorable. Now multiply this across the innumerable situations you’ll encounter through life. When you’re able to adjust your attitude and game plan and keep a positive perspective, it feeds into the dynamic of your marriage and helps you both feel happier overall.

Flexibility provides a reliable cushion of security.

Life is bumpy. Flexibility in a healthy relationship makes the ride a little smoother, or at the very least, ensures that your bond doesn’t shatter when you encounter them. What does this look like? It could be shifting your roles and responsibilities if one of you loses your job or suffers an injury or illness. It might be embracing a less organized pace of life as you navigate life with a newborn, or adjusting your financial priorities after a big, unplanned expense. When you’re able to meet stressors in a consistently flexible way, you’’re not worried about whether your relationship is going to fracture because of it. This provides a sense of stability and reliability in itself, and that instills trust and confidence in your marriage and in each other.

When we think of the ingredients that make for a lasting marriage, we often jump to things like commitment, unconditional love, trust, and communication. While those things definitely don’t hurt, the research doesn’t lie – even if it is surprising. Flexibility is crucial for navigating the unexpected adversity life throws at you. So the next time you and your spouse successfully adapt to a big change, smoothly handle a life transition, or come out of a crisis even stronger than you were before, be proud and keep leaning into this underrated trait.