“What should we have for dinner tonight?”
It’s an innocent question, yet it’s one that couples everywhere can probably relate to dreading at some point. Your spouse poses the question and your immediate feeling is UGH. Maybe you get disproportionately annoyed and take it out on them. Or perhaps it feels like just another thing piled on your already full plate (no pun intended). What is so triggering about it? Is it really about figuring out dinner? More often than not, it’s tied to a broader issue.
Everyday you and your spouse have to make countless decisions.
They can range from tiny, micro-decisions that you don’t really think twice about to big life-altering ones that you might ruminate on for months. What should I wear today? Should I get gas before or after work? Should we renew our insurance or get some quotes from other companies? Where should we go on vacation? Where should we send the kids to school? Should I stay at this job? Plus, not only do you have to make them for your home and family life, but also as part of your job and other external contexts. That’s not all – there is a load of responsibility that comes with these decisions as well. They affect not just you, but your spouse, children, extended family, coworkers/employees, and by extension, many people you don’t even know!
Over the course of a day, these decisions (and the weight of responsibility associated with making them) pile up, up, up – until finally…
Decision fatigue sets in.
You feel overwhelmed, irritable, and exhausted. You might put off making the decision or avoid it altogether. Or you make an impulsive or unwise decision simply because you can’t be bothered to devote any more mental or emotional capacity to analyzing your options.
This is often why the question of what to have for dinner can be so exasperating. Toward the end of a long day of making other decisions, this is the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Of course, maybe you’ve mastered meal planning and this isn’t usually an issue for you. This final straw decision might take a different form, but the end result is the same. You snap at your spouse or reply with an angry, “Ugh, you decide!”
Your marriage is affected when there’s a lack of awareness of this mental load.
Maybe you frequently get short and snippy with your spouse when they ask you to pick the movie, and in turn, your spouse complains about your indecisiveness. Occasional, good-natured interactions like this are a pretty normal part of marriage. When they occur often and with a negative or critical undertone, resentment can begin to take root.
Remember, you’re each carrying a separate mental load of decisions that is not always visible to the other person. You might forget that your spouse spends all day making critical choices at work and vice versa. But when you both start to recognize the effect this can have on yourself and your partner, you’re more likely to respond to each other with empathy and understanding instead of frustration.
Have a conversation about it.
When you can communicate with each other about how decision fatigue or burnout affects you as individuals and as a couple, you can begin taking steps to minimize it. Are there decisions you wish you had more help with from your spouse? Decisions that you’re fine being left out of? Are there areas that can be simplified to cut down on decisions? Things you can delegate to other family members? Of course, some choices simply can’t be avoided or deferred to others. In these situations, you might consider how you can support each other to help free up capacity for the non-negotiable ones. Even trying to be more intentional about acknowledging all that you both have on your decision-making plates can help you be more understanding of one another when you’re feeling overwhelmed.
As we mentioned earlier, there is usually some degree of responsibility that accompanies the decisions you make, so you’ll likely find that this discussion overlaps with how you share and divide household roles and responsibilities. You can read more about that here.
Every day, you and your spouse shoulder the weight of many decisions – and you probably don’t think twice about it most of the time. Occasionally, though, you’re both impacted by the mental load of these decisions – and that means your marriage is impacted, too. With increased awareness and understanding, you can avoid any lasting negative effects.
Good article, thanks!
This is awesome!! We’re newlyweds – married on April 20th, and we’re totally feeling this. We’re still unpacking our house and getting things situated, so decisions like choosing what to have for dinner always seem like huge decisions when in reality, it’s literally just food. Thanks so much for this!!
Great article!
I feel very seen! What are we having for dinner is a big trigger for me and sometimes I snap at my kids when they ask. I have realized that my response is an overreaction and have apologized to them. It’s good to understand more of why it is triggering!
Hi Amy,
Meal decisions, ugh…..It was a big problem for me and we turned it around by creating an interactive game. Get two jars (cookie/mason, etc), strips of paper & pens/pencils.
Have everyone to write one favorite meal on a strip of paper. If someone has three favorites that is three notes. Stuff those into a jar. Those are your meal ideas that you will pull from daily. Once pulled that note goes into the other jar which will eventually circle back around.
Tell the family that they can always drop a new note into the starter jar. Keep it going & save your sanity.
***Tweak it to use in other decision fatigue situations where there is flexibility***
Thank you for the proactive approach. We haven’t encountered this issue yet. But today I just received a Job offer and is weighing on my mind of the first big decision we need to make as a married couple. I will be on the lookout for decision fatigue and ways to be proactive.
This article is very practical. We have a hard time with this sometimes and often divide up the decisions that need to be made . Then you have time to think about it when you have capacity. Also I think praying and asking God what is His priority in the decision is crucial to making good decisions and having the empathetic, loving attitude that He can give us, especially when we are so tired!
We just got dice from Amazon that we can roll to select a place to eat. Makes it fun and either of us can veto the roll. Been married for 37 years. Where we eat has been a persistent tough one.
Great idea!! …dining becomes a game and exploring experience. thanks for sharing.
A good article, but understandably with limited space it is limited in many contexts. When the context includes one or the other spouse living with chronic illnesses or a reduced capacity (which may change during the course of a marriage), one partner may find themselves in the position of having to make far more decisions (and executing them) then they imagined or desire. After awhile its not just decision fatigue but compassion fatigue that can set in. I like these articles and they have a lot of good points but often presume upon similar capacities and the ability for discussions to bring about practical solutions. Some seasons you just don’t get to do that and you have to figure out how to navigate the “decision fatigue” when the circumstances and context doesn’t change. Good article but presumes similar capacities that can be talked out for better understanding and a fairer distribution of load. Life doesn’t always work that way.