Reclaiming Romance After the Roommate Phase

Have you and your spouse gone through the roommate phase?

Maybe it was after having a baby, or as you tried to get into the groove of an unfamiliarly hectic stage of life. Maybe it was following a crisis or event that threw you both for a loop. Perhaps it was simply the result of feeling less connected than you used to. Whatever your situation, it’s a common stage couples go through. The danger, of course, is that although you fall into it without even trying – getting out of it takes effort and intention. You can wait around for that magical moment when the spark suddenly reignites. Meanwhile, you’re settling deeper into the roommate rut and growing more distant by the day. Or you can be proactive. Here are some tips for reclaiming the romance and getting your marriage back.

1. Commit to reconnecting.

Here’s the thing – you both need to be committed to getting the spark back. Have an honest conversation about where you’re at. You’ve probably both noticed the change in your relationship – acknowledge it! It’s a normal part of the ebb and flow of marriage, and you can get back to an even better place than you were before. Committing to this together helps you hold yourselves accountable for doing what it takes. Plus, it can help things not feel so awkward – when you start flirting out of the blue your spouse is more likely to give you a wink and flirt back instead of being caught completely off-guard.

2. Make the shift mentally.

You might not feel all that romantic. If you’re coming out of a season in which you’ve been exhausted or other priorities have taken up all of your capacity, giving energy to this facet of yourselves can feel a bit strange. That’s why it sometimes requires an intentional mental shift – choosing to start seeing your spouse – and yourself – in that light again. Consider what you need to help you get back into this mindset. Maybe it’s working out and eating better. Maybe it’s a new haircut or putting more effort into getting dressed every day (goodbye, ratty old sweats!) When you make the change mentally, your actions are more likely to follow suit.

3. Eliminate obstacles to intimacy.

Sure, there are the logistical things that have made it harder to be emotionally and physically intimate – whether it’s the baby or busy schedules. Those are things you can adapt to over time. But the sneakier obstacles are perhaps the more difficult ones to overcome – things like resentment, unaddressed issues, or feeling under-appreciated or unsupported are all things that can stand in the way of those loving feelings toward each other. If there are negative emotions lingering between you, it’s time to address them. Hear each other out and lead with empathy. Talk about what you need from each other to feel romantically receptive toward each other again. It could range from sharing more of the household tasks to having a daily check in to keep resentment at bay. Whatever you settle on, it will likely benefit your relationship long-term, not just during this phase.

4. Touch each other more.

Some people are naturally more physically affectionate than others, but no matter where you fall on this spectrum, touching each other more is a way to shift the dynamic of your relationship. Start being more intentional about greeting each other with a long hug or a kiss that’s more than just quick a peck. Cuddle on the couch while you’re watching your show or hold hands in the car. It might feel forced or awkward at first – that’s okay. The more you incorporate physical touch into your interactions, the more quickly it will start feeling like second nature once again.

5. Prioritize date night – no, really prioritize it.

We say it all the time, but when you’re trying to move out of the roommate phase, dating your spouse is more important that ever. It might seem like so much effort goes into it – planning, arranging childcare, actually going on the date when the time comes without something unexpected coming up. Will it ever happen??? When all is said and done, it is so worth it. Dating each other helps you keep seeing each other as spouses – not just people who run a household together. It gives you designated time to strengthen the deep emotional and physical connection that started it all. These areas can still grow and flourish, and you can get back to feeling as in love as you were before – or even more – but you need to put energy into it. So make a big deal about date night – build the anticipation, get dressed up, make it feel special even if you’re going to a restaurant two minutes away. You might even feel strangely nervous – that’s good! In a sense you’re getting to know each other again, so embrace the giddiness and butterflies that come with that.

While the roommate phase is a normal thing that many couples experience at one point or another, it’s not always guaranteed that it will resolve on its own. Being proactive about moving past it and keeping that spark burning is important. Nurturing your connection means you’re investing in both the longevity of your marriage and the heart of your family.