Many of us have a third wheel in our marriage. It sneakily steals time and attention normally given to each other. It interrupts special and intimate moments. It exacerbates existing trust issues. Sometimes, you might even spend more time gazing at it than you do your spouse. Instead of trying to distance ourselves from it, we keep it by our side at all times.
No, it’s not a nosy friend or an overbearing family member causing these issues. It’s your phone.
Let’s be honest – even if you feel like you’ve got a good handle on how much you’re on your phone, it’s easy to fall into bad habits. Let’s dive into what to be aware of and how you can ensure your phones aren’t coming between you and your spouse.
Are you prioritizing the right kind of connection?
Whether it’s mindlessly scrolling social media, perusing products you’d like to purchase, or responding to work emails on the go, it seems like there’s always something to be doing on your phone. While this constant connection to the “outside world” has its benefits, does it come at the cost of the connection you have with your spouse? How often do you find yourselves together but not truly present because you’re both looking at your phones? There’s a good chance you’re missing out on a lot of opportunities for connection, whether it’s through conversation, cuddling, or other activities. While it’s not realistic to say you should never use your phones when you’re spending time together, try to be mindful about your scrolling. If you need to, set some boundaries around phone usage and help each other stick to them. It could be leaving your phones in another room for a couple of hours each evening or having a digital detox day every weekend.
Is it helping or hurting your communication?
Your phone allows you to be in constant communication with others, which can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, you’re always reachable – a good thing in emergencies or for staying connected when you’re apart. On the other hand, you’re always reachable, making constant interruption or distraction a real risk. You’ve probably experienced it: you’re trying to have a conversation with your spouse, but your phone keeps blowing up with texts or your sibling keeps calling. Or perhaps you were about to share something important yourself, but oh look – an update just came in about the kids’ sports schedule. It’s one thing if this is happening only occasionally, but when it’s a regular occurrence, your overall communication will suffer. Whether you’re sharing about your day, confirming household logistics, or engaging in an intimate heart to heart, be aware of whether your phones are helping or hurting the situation. Work on basic communication skills like active listening, as this requires you to give your full, engaged attention instead of only half-listening.
Does your lock screen build trust?
Everyone is entitled to privacy, even with their spouse. It’s a necessary aspect of maintaining a healthy individual sense of self. While it might seem counterintuitive, it also helps you and your spouse build and nurture trust. By respecting privacy boundaries such as not snooping on each other’s phone, you’re trusting each other to share the things that are important. Keep in mind, there is a difference between privacy and secrecy. If your phones’ lock screens have become synonymous with keeping secrets from each other – and not just a birthday surprise you’re planning – then there may be some deeper issues at play. If you’re experiencing some tension around the level of trust in your marriage, or if you have in the past, it’s best to address it ASAP. Talk to a trusted professional if you need to.
Whether you see it as a positive or negative, your phone does play a role in your daily life. The size and significance of that role – and ultimately, its effect on your marriage – is up to you. By being mindful of the time and attention you devote to it, you can prevent it from taking on third-wheel status and becoming a wedge between you and your spouse.
Very valuable piece. We grew up without cell phones and had fulfilling lives. They are convenient at times but definitely can create a wedge at other times. When we go out to dinner, would prefer the phone be left in the car as not to interrupt the intimacy of the time together.
A great idea to keep phones in the car!
Wow I’m surprised Only one person made a comment, what’s wrong with Us now a days: please share your thoughts and insights on such a pertinent matter readers. I digress.. I myself was just sharing with my Wife about Our cell use and how we need to manage our time on them while in each other presence. Sad to say She gave a silent stare back. Lol.
It’s important to find a balance between phone use and your relationship. Setting aside specific times to be phone-free with your partner and making a conscious effort to be present and engaged in the moment sounds easy. So why do so many people fail to find a successful way to accomplish this sustainably? I think we’ve all heard this and what we need to do, although I haven’t yet heard how to do it. At least from anyone who’s been successful anyways..
I’m in total and complete agreement that the cell phones are distractions most times. They limit one on one time with your mate in everyway when you think about it. Even if neither partner is interacting with one another at the time there still needs to be times when the phone aren’t sharing every secret of our downtime. I enjoyed reading about the third wheel. It is truly a reminder I plan to incorporate in my marriage so that we get back to a healthier relationship with each other and with ourselves.
When we got married two years ago, some family members recommended we never take our phones into the bedroom. We have held to this and use the bedroom for only two things: sleep and sex. That should be the big two for the bedroom. Having our phones in the hallway helps us focus on each other. If you need to have your phone due to being on call for work, just set up a little shelf or end table outside your bedroom so that they can be plugged in and heard. This is some of the best marriage advice we have received and we are so glad we have stuck with it.